How To Talk To Anxious People – Forget The Christianese
So many times I’ve heard the phrase, “just pray about it”. Do you ever get tired of hearing that? I really think that most Christians just don’t know how to talk to anxious people. They want to help, but usually either don’t say anything, or they regurgitate things they’ve heard their parents or pastors say. Maybe it’s a “Christianese” phrase similar to the following:
- The Bible says not to worry, so just pray about it.
- I know it’s difficult, but we’ll be praying for you.
- God’s got this…He’s still on the throne.
- No matter who’s in charge of the country, God’s still in control.
- We’re the Church…we’re the ones who are supposed to have Good News.
- Are you sure you’re saved? (yes…this gets asked more often than you think)
- Have you been reading the Bible?
- How’s your quiet time with the Lord been recently?
- Are you part of a small group?
- Maybe there’s just something you and the Lord need to deal with.
Now, all of the above can be good things that we ask ourselves from time to time. The problem with these things being the first line of defense for someone with severe anxiety is that they make anxious people more anxious. This is why Solomon says this wise saying:
A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.
Proverbs 25:11
Notice the word, fitly. It’s the perfect adverb to describe how something is being communicated. When someone is having a tough time because a loved one just passed away, a job is lost, or a marriage is falling apart, you wouldn’t come right in and tell those people to suck it up and move on with their lives…you have to have TACT. There’s a time and place for having tough conversations, but when learning how to talk to anxious people, you need empathy, patience, and grace.
Many times I’ve had to think through exactly what to say to someone who is in the middle of having a panic attack. They can’t breathe or think, feel the need to escape/run away, or just emotionally break down. In that exact moment, they aren’t listening to any kind of wisdom you’re throwing their way. Telling that person to just trust God and pray about it isn’t enough. That doesn’t mean that God can’t bring peace or deliverance, nor does it mean he isn’t the answer to all of the issues plaguing that person. It just means now is not the time.
How To Talk To Anxious People – Stay Calm
Calm them down first, then when they’re in a calm state of mind, start asking good questions and have them think through what’s going on. It’s really interesting to notice the life of Jesus and how he dealt with people. Many times he asks questions – the right questions at the right time – to get his point across and bring revelation to hurting people. He doesn’t toy around with people but knows just how important it is not to waste words or time with people who won’t respond to wisdom or teaching because they’re not ready to receive it. So when learning how to talk to anxious people, there’s not a one-size-fits-all template. However, there are some things you can do that might help navigate those conversations or experiences:
1. Listen
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry…
James 1:19
Too often we just want to tell people how to fix things. We just want to get back to whatever we’re doing, avoid an uncomfortable conversation, or start talking about our issues instead. As Christians, we can’t do that. We have to listen first and see what’s on their mind. A mentor once told me that when asking a question, wait for an answer until it hurts. How many of us cut people off before they have a chance to answer? There’s a reason why God gave us two ears and only one mouth.
2. Ask Heart-Directed Questions
People are so surface-level about their lives. We love to ask the standard question, “how are you?” followed by, “fine…you?”. It seems to never get beyond sports, weather, politics, current events, or family/friends. If it does, it’s not about solving anything, it’s about complaining. When anxious people are at the end of their rope, they tend to think they’re going crazy or feel the need to desperately escape. They’re so entrenched in their panic and suffering that they can’t sort anything out. They need deeper questions that will help them focus on truth instead of lies, facts instead of feelings. Make sure they’re calm, then try to ask good questions that require the mask to come off. Here are some examples:
- Where do you think the anxiety is coming from? (This gives you some context as to what’s going on in their life)
- In your mind, what things can you control and what things aren’t your responsibility?
- Is there anyone you’re trying to impress or get approval from? Who is it and why?
- What big things are on your plate right now?
- How often do you practice breathing or relaxation exercises? (Don’t tell them how – just ask)
- Self-Disclose a tough time in your own life. Could be anything, but try to make it relatable to what they’re going through. Don’t tell them how you fixed it unless they ask.
3. Reinforce Positive Thinking
The mind is the battlefield, and people struggling with anxiety are constantly losing the battle…or so they think. It’s so tough, but not impossible, to have a glass-half-full mentality. It’s easy to have a defeated mindset because in the here and now it’s all about what is felt and experienced. Anxious people have to realize and be challenged with the truth and positive thinking. Carefully read these verses:
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, THINK about these things.
Philippians 4:8 (ESV)
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the RENEWAL OF YOUR MIND, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
Romans 12:2 (ESV)
We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God and TAKE EVERY THOUGHT CAPTIVE to obey Christ…
2 Corinthians 10:5 (ESV)
4. Don’t Be The Fixer
I can’t tell you how easy it is to go into “fix it” mode. When someone is having an anxiety or panic attack, you might feel like you need to be the doctor or “healer” to solve their problem. You might not be qualified to solve their problem, and sometimes that’s not the best move. Sure, you can speak the truth, offer empathy, help them calm down, and even think positively, but the source of peace, comfort, and joy can only come from Jesus Christ. Unless they’re ready and willing to accept that fact, nothing you say or do will really bring lasting change. If you don’t know how to talk to anxious people, remember that your job isn’t to fix everything. What IS your job is to point and lead them to the One who can bring change.
5. Be Patient & Lavish Grace
Whether you like it or not, if you follow the tips above, there’s a good chance that you can easily become the security blanket anxious people cling to. You’ll likely go through the same ride over and over again because overly anxious people are blind to their own weaknesses. They replay the episodes, conversations, and thoughts over and over again in their head trying to figure out another angle to process and what’s happening in their life. Remember these tips:
- You can be tired of hearing them, but don’t get tired of listening.
- If you don’t understand or know what to do, that’s okay.
- Encourage them to seek professional/medical help or consultation.
- Set up boundaries so you can still live your own life.
- Pray for them and for how you help them.
- Don’t take on their anxiety upon yourself.
How To Talk To Anxious People – Final Thoughts
Learning how to talk to anxious people isn’t easy. People struggling with anxiety may not open up at first. It may take a while to get down to what’s really at the root of the issue. Others may not be able to stop contacting you about every little issue, and you have to guard your heart, mind, and time so their issues don’t become your issues. Even though it’s messy, there is honor and value in helping anxious people communicate with others about their feelings and thoughts. Remember…only Jesus can bring lasting change and peace to an anxious heart. He wants to bring rest, and many times he wants to use us to help others see him as the only hope and solution to all problems.